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A Republican and Democrat are walking down the street...

Discussion in 'Political Humor' started by USMC the Almighty, Apr 26, 2007.

  1. USMC the Almighty

    USMC the Almighty New Member

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    A Republican and Democrat are walking down the street and come across a homeless man with a sign that says "Please Help".

    The Republican pulls fifty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless man. He also gives the man his business card and says "Get something to eat and get yourself cleaned up. Then come and see me and I'll give you a job."

    The Democrat sees this and thought that was nice. The Democrat wanted to do something for this man also....after all being a Democrat means he likes to help people.

    So the Democrat reaches into the Republican's pocket, pulls out another fifty dollars and gives it to the homeless man.
     
  2. USMC the Almighty

    USMC the Almighty New Member

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    Forgot about this one...
     
  3. Beetle Bailey

    Beetle Bailey New Member

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    It hardly matters, since they are both equally full of ****.
     
  4. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    Funny but not nearly as realistic as this...

    A Republican presidential candidate being driven home by limo sees an elderly man by the side of the road eating grass.

    The Republican candidate has the limo driver pull over and asks the old man what he's doing.

    The old man says... I'm poor and hungry and this is all I can find to eat.

    The Republican says... OK, well then get in the limo.

    The old man looking across the road at his wife says... I can't leave my wife.

    The Republican says... That's fine she can come too.

    When the elderly couple get into the car they thank the Republican so much for taking them.

    The Republican says... No problem, you're going to love my house. I bet my grass is a foot high!
    :)
     
  5. SW85

    SW85 New Member

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    An oldie but a goodie:

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

    She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

    "I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault."
     
  6. PLC1

    PLC1 Moderator Staff Member

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    Two alligators are living in the sewers in Washington DC. One of them is sleek and healthy, but the other is emaciated. One day, the emaciated alligator asks the healthy one, "I eat just as many politicians as you do. Why am I so skinny, and you're not?"

    "I'm not sure," answered the sleek alligator. "Let's see your technique."

    So, the emaciated alligator crawled out of the sewer, roared his best roar at a passing politician, knocked him down with his tail, and ate him on the spot.

    "I see your problem," said the sleek alligator. "When your roared at him, you scared the ***** out of him. When you bowled him over with your tail, you knocked the wind out of him. Take all of the **** and all of the wind out of a politician, and you've got nothing left."
     
  7. vyo476

    vyo476 Active Member

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    A kindergarten teacher has all of her kids sitting in a circle on the floor, telling the class one by one about what their fathers do for a living. The usual assortment of mailmen, chefs, and police officers are all trotted out...until little Johnny's turn comes up.

    "What does your father do for a living, Johnny?" the teacher asks.

    Johnny stands up. "My daddy gets up on a stage in a bar and takes all of his clothes off while other men watch. Sometimes the other men pay him more money to have sex with him afterwards."

    The teacher is taken aback. She tells the other children to go and play games and takes Johnny aside. "Johnny, how do you know these things about your father?" the teacher asks, wondering if Johnny has seen these things himself.

    "Well...actually, my daddy's a politician," Johnny replies. "I was just too embarrassed to say so."
     
  8. USMC the Almighty

    USMC the Almighty New Member

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    I feel like I've heard that joke before.
     
  9. vyo476

    vyo476 Active Member

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    Probably. It's an old one.
     
  10. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    President Bush, the First Lady, and Dick Cheney were all on Air Force One when President Bush pulled out a hundred dollar bill and said... Ya know I could throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone on the ground really happy.

    The First Lady chimed in and said... Well George I could throw 10 ten dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

    Going along with the idea Vice President Cheney said... Well I could throw 100 single dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.

    Not being able to stand it anymore the pilot yelled out of the cockpit and said... You know I could throw all of you out the window and make about two hundred million people happy!
    :D
     
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