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Collection of Jokes from White House Comedian

Discussion in 'Political Humor' started by reedak, May 31, 2020.

  1. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 1

    1. Trump tweeted on May 20, 2020:

    "Now that our Country is “Transitioning back to Greatness”, I am considering rescheduling the G-7, on the same or similar date, in Washington, D.C., at the legendary Camp David. The other members are also beginning their COMEBACK. It would be a great sign to all - normalization!"

    2. "Now that our Country is “Transitioning back to Greatness.” Mr Good Brain President, are you sure or not? :)

    Source: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1263113203749453827
     
  2. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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  3. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 2

    1. While addressing the assembled factory workers at a personal protective equipment factory in Allentown, Pennsylvania on May 14, 2020, Trump made the following comments:

    “The moment this terrible virus reached our shores, each of you has worked relentlessly to get the vital supplies to our healthcare warriors — and they are warriors, aren’t they, when you see them going into those hospitals and they’re putting the stuff that you deliver, they’re wrapping themselves, and the doors are opening, and they’re going through the doors, and they’re not even ready to go through those doors — they probably shouldn’t! — but they can’t get there fast enough, and they’re running into death like soldiers run into bullets! in a true sense, I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many of the people that go into those hospitals, it’s incredible to see and it’s a beautiful thing to see!”

    Sources:

    https://www.indy100.com/article/trump-us-nurses-healthcare-workers-war-soldiers-death-9515976

    https://washingtonpress.com/2020/05...nning-into-death-in-bizarre-rambling-remarks/

    2. We all have to take off our hats to him for having the exceptional ability to see the beauty of doctors and nurses running into death just like soldiers running into bullets.

    3. Also see the "The New Army Men" by Teresa Burns Parkhurst on May 28, 2020 in the "Humor & Cartoons" section of The New Yorker.

    Source: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/the-new-army-men
     
  4. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    4. Medical professionals were appalled by Trump's "sick and twisted sentiment" as shown in the following links:

    (a) CHICAGO — The Committee to Protect Medicare, a national organization of physicians, today criticized President Trump for calling the image of medical workers facing death without sufficient protective equipment “a beautiful thing to see.” Trump made the remarks Thursday during a visit to a medical distributor in Pennsylvania....

    Source: https://committeetoprotect.org/docs...f-frontline-workers-a-beautiful-thing-to-see/

    (b) ...Dr. Rob Davidson, an emergency care physician and executive director of the Committee to Protect Medicare, called Trump's comments "a sick and twisted sentiment."

    "Donald Trump should be ashamed to suggest that we healthcare workers 'running into death' is beautiful," Davidson tweeted. "Death is not beautiful. Inadequate PPE is not beautiful. He should use the [Defense Production Act] to ensure an abundant supply of PPE and tests."...

    Source: https://www.commondreams.org/news/2...-nurses-running-death-treat-covid-19-patients
     
  5. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 3

    Trump cracked a "wet joke" with his “standpoint of the water” remark. Who knows? He may crack a "hot joke" next time by explaining that fire is hot.

    1. Donald Trump released a video on Tuesday (September 18, 2018) that thanked first responders for helping the victims of Hurricane Florence. But the president appeared to be winging his comments, which included a line that instantly took on a life of its own on social media.

    “This is a tough hurricane, one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water,” he said. “Rarely have we had an experience like it and it certainly is not good.”

    The comment about how wet the storm was “from the standpoint of water” caused jokes to rain down on Twitter:....

    Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-wettest-water-hurricane_n_5ba1a88de4b046313fc056c1

    2. ....The American president just explained that water is wet. This ought to go down with his Oval Office address from the lead-up to the storm, in which he suggested Hurricane Florence would be "tremendously big and tremendously wet."

    Again, we are reminded that the president has been assessed as speaking at a fourth-grade level. And again, we are forced to ask why he can't just accept a script from his staff and read it....

    Source: https://www.esquire.com/news-politi...lorence-wettest-from-the-standpoint-of-water/

    3. ..."This is a tough hurricane," he said in front of the White House, "one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water."

    There you have it. From the standpoint of literally any other liquid, you could say that the hurricane was totally dry, but thankfully Trump cleared that right up for us: We're talking about water here. And even then, calling Hurricane Florence "one of the wettest we've ever seen" isn't totally accurate. Several other storms have had higher total rainfall amounts than Florence, including Hurricane Harvey, which dumped 60 inches when it hit Texas last year, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. In any case, it's unclear why the person filming wasn't baffled by Trump's pseudo-scientific water comment enough to cut it out or get another take....

    Source: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/...t-weve-seen-from-standpoint-water-video-vgtrn

    4. ...The president was mercilessly mocked for his “standpoint of the water” remark.

    And Graham Taylor remarked: “Is this one of the worst Presidents of the United States the world has ever seen, or the worst? From the standpoint of Presidents.”...

    Source: https://www.standard.co.uk/news/wor...-is-one-of-the-wettest-from-the-a3940591.html
     
  6. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 4

    1. Donald Trump’s long history of racism, from the 1970s to 2019

    Trump has repeatedly claimed he’s “the least racist person.” His history suggests otherwise.

    Source: https://www.vox.com/2016/7/25/12270880/donald-trump-racist-racism-history

    2. “Well, you know, when it comes to racism and racists, I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist, I’ve had great relationships. In fact, Randall Pinkett won, on the as you know, on ‘The Apprentice’ a little while ago, a couple of years ago. And Randall’s been outstanding in every way. So I mean, I am the least racist person,” Trump said while defending himself against allegations of racism in May 2011 by pointing out he chose a black winner on his NBC show.

    Source: https://www.ibtimes.com/donald-trum...tes-president-elect-said-about-blacks-2447531

    P.S. His denial of racism showed that he had his eye on the presidency as early as May 2011, otherwise this may be his response: "So what? I don't give a damn what others think of me!"

    3. “What they’re doing, is they’re trying the racist deal. And that’s not going to work, because I am the least racist person ever to serve in office, OK?” Mr Trump said on Wednesday (21 August 2019) in reference to the New York Times, which has angered him over its renewed focus on racial division in America.

    “I am the least racist person. But the New York Times, they’re trying everything they can. It is a totally dishonest newspaper. It’s the paper that really has lost tremendous credibility.”...

    Source: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/...n-president-four-terms-14-years-a9074451.html

    4. US President Donald Trump appears as the first result of suggested accounts when users type "racist" into Twitter's people search, it emerged Wednesday.

    The result, reported by the British news outlet The Independent and verified by AFP, highlights the intense discord around the president.

    Trump has more than 80 million followers, although there is much dispute about how many of them are genuine, active human Twitter users…

    Source: https://gadgets.ndtv.com/social-net...twitter-brings-up-trump-as-top-result-2240404

    5. Twitter Analysis Shows How Trump Tweets Differently About Nonwhite Lawmakers

    Source: https://www.npr.org/2019/10/10/7686...-tweets-about-non-white-democrats-intensified

    6. Trump’s Tweets Prove That He Is a Raging Racist

    It is undeniably true that America’s president opposes diversity.

    Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/14/opinion/trump-twitter-racism.html
     
  7. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 5

    1. Donald Trump tweeted on Jun 4, 2020:

    Probably the only thing Barack Obama & I have in common is that we both had the honor of firing Jim Mattis, the world’s most overrated General. I asked for his letter of resignation, & felt great about it. His nickname was “Chaos”, which I didn’t like, & changed to “Mad Dog”...

    ..His primary strength was not military, but rather personal public relations. I gave him a new life, things to do, and battles to win, but he seldom “brought home the bacon”. I didn’t like his “leadership” style or much else about him, and many others agree. Glad he is gone!

    Source: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump...p-defectors-with-powerful-anti-trump-message/

    2. ...There are three lies in that first tweet alone. For starters, Trump did not fire Mattis, and neither did the president ask for Mattis’s resignation. Additionally, Mattis had the nickname “Mad Dog” before he ever entered the Trump administration. How egomaniacally inane, self-obsessed, and disconnected from reality does Trump have to be to take credit for a nickname that someone had years before Trump ever showed up?

    Source: https://bipartisanreport.com/2020/0...p-defectors-with-powerful-anti-trump-message/

    3. John Kelly, President Trump’s former chief of staff, is defending former Defense Secretary James Mattis after the president said that he had the "honor" of firing "world’s most overrated general."....

    “The president did not fire him. He did not ask for his resignation,” Kelly, a retired Marine Corps general, told The Washington Post on Thursday....

    Kelly said that the president must have “clearly forgotten how it actually happened or is confused.” Kelly has also been critical of the president since leaving his post as chief of staff in 2018.

    “The president tweeted a very positive tweet about Jim until he started to see on Fox News their interpretation of his [resignation] letter. Then he got nasty. Jim Mattis is an honorable man,” Kelly told the Post.

    Source: https://thehill.com/homenews/admini...s-james-mattis-the-president-did-not-fire-him

    4. ...As always, most Congressional Republicans have barely even acknowledged the spotlight on Trump’s failures. However, when questioned by reporters this week, Utah Republican Senator Mitt Romney, who frequently criticizes Trump, had nothing but praise for Mattis, implying that he at least understands where the former general is coming from when he characterizes Trump as a threat to the Constitution.

    Romney told reporters:

    ‘General Mattis’s letter was stunning and powerful. Gen. Mattis is a man of extraordinary sacrifice. He’s an American patriot. He’s an individual whose judgment I respect, and I think the world of him. If I ever had to choose somebody to be in a foxhole with, it would be with a General Mattis. What a wonderful, wonderful man.’

    Source: https://bipartisanreport.com/2020/0...p-defectors-with-powerful-anti-trump-message/

    5. ...Meanwhile, Romney is not the only Republican Senator who has actually offered praise for Mattis and his letter. Alaska Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski, for instance, said that she was “struggling” with the question of whether or not to support Trump’s re-election bid, and she added, in reference to Mattis’s letter in particular:

    ‘I was really thankful. I thought General Mattis’s words were true and honest and necessary and overdue.’

    Source: https://bipartisanreport.com/2020/0...p-defectors-with-powerful-anti-trump-message/

    6. Pompeo, an evangelical Christian who keeps an open Bible on his desk, now says it’s possible that God raised up Trump as a modern Queen Esther, the Biblical figure who convinced the King of Persia to spare the Jewish people. He defines his own job as serving the President, whatever the President asks of him. “A Secretary of State has to know what the President wants,” he said, at a recent appearance in Washington. “To the extent you get out of synch with that leader, then you’re just out shooting the breeze.” No matter what Trump has said or done, Pompeo has stood by him. As a former senior White House official told me, “There will never be any daylight publicly between him and Trump.” The former official said that, in private, too, Pompeo is “among the most sycophantic and obsequious people around Trump.” Even more bluntly, a former American ambassador told me, “He’s like a heat-seeking missile for Trump’s aXX.”

    Source: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/08/26/mike-pompeo-the-secretary-of-trump

    7. Regarding Trump's dissatisfaction with Mattis's job because he seldom “brought home the bacon”, I coin the term "pompacon" for a worker or an employee who always "brings home the bacon” to the boss.
     
  8. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 6

    1. Trump likes to ridicule or belittle his political opponents by giving them nicknames. Since his "casual inspection" of the White House bunker (also called the Presidential Emergency Operations Center) on May 29, 2020, he has earned the nickname of "Bunker Boy" from his critics. He is getting a taste of his own medicine.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/opin...3f1c82-815e-11e9-95a9-e2c830afe24f_story.html

    https://www.rollcall.com/2019/08/26/trumps-nicknames-ranked-as-he-locks-in-on-2020-foes-and-foils/

    https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/tru...crazy-attacking-appearances/story?id=48348956

    2. Donald Trump swears that he absolutely did NOT run and hide while protestors rallied outside the White House on May 29. Twitter’s not letting ‘Bunker Boy’ get away with that claim.

    President Donald Trump is getting mocked mercilessly on Twitter after swearing up and down that he didn’t actually hide in a safe room beneath the White House on May 29. On the night the White House shut off its lights as protestors rallied for Black Lives Matter, the president said that he was actually just down there for a casual inspection. “It was a false report,” he told Fox Radio host Brian Kilmeade on June 4. “I went down during the day and I was there for a tiny, little short period of time, and it was much more for an inspection… I’ve gone down two or three times, all for inspection.” He earned the nickname “Bunker Boy” on Twitter for that one.....

    Source: https://hollywoodlife.com/2020/06/04/donald-trump-bunker-boy-white-house-protests/

    3. ...Trump's critics responded to news of his bunker visit with outrage and mockery, particularly after Trump boasted about his defenders and ridiculed the protesters in several tweets on Saturday.

    Many Twitter users accused Trump of "hiding" from the American citizens whom he's supposed to lead through a time of crisis. They also accused him of refusing to acknowledge the anger that has spurred sweeping protests across the United States in recent days after the death of Floyd, the latest unarmed Black man to be killed in an encounter with police....

    Another user called Trump a "coward" and a "bunker boy" — one of several bunker-related nicknames that circulated on Twitter Monday, along with "Bunker Don" and "Bunker Trump."....

    "Go back to your bunker, loser," Star Trek actor and activist George Takei tweeted in response.

    Source: https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/news...ng-from-protesters-at-white-house/ar-BB14Te2F

    4. Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

    The following are excerpts from his June 3, 2020 satire headlined "Trump Says Inspection Revealed Bunker Was Dusty Because Obama Never Used It".

    (Begin excerpts)
    WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.

    “There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”

    “Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”... (End excerpts)

    Source: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/bor...-bunker-was-dusty-because-obama-never-used-it

    5. Listen to this incredibly catchy tune about Trump’s time in the bunker.

    It's called 'Bunker Boy,' and it's a banger....

    The 45-second clip features nothing but Jaye and her guitar. She dreamily warbles out harsh and hilarious lyrics as her acoustic strums a calming tune in the background

    Source: https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/bunker-boy-trump-song/
     
  9. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 7

    1. GUILFORD, Maine – President Donald Trump traveled to Maine Friday to tour a facility that makes medical swabs used for coronavirus testing, but the swabs manufactured in the background during his visit will ultimately be thrown in the trash, the company said.

    Puritan Medical Products said it will have to discard the swabs, a company spokeswoman told USA TODAY in response to questions about the visit.

    It is not clear why the swabs will be scrapped, or how many. The company described its manufacturing plans for Friday as "limited" – but the disruption comes as public health officials in Maine and other states have complained that a shortage of swabs has hampered their ability to massively scale up coronavirus testing....

    Source: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news...itan-throw-away-coronavirus-swabs/3153622001/

    2. What a waste, considering the shortages of swabs in the US! Perhaps the company could have discarded the swabs more diplomatically by sending them to Trump as a mark of appreciation for his visit to the factory. Another way is to send them to a museum because the historical trash, particularly the medical swab held near Trump's nose, could worth a fortune at an auction in the next millennium.
     
  10. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]

    6. Bunker Boy

    Source: https://www.globaltimes.cn/content/1190393.shtml
     
  11. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 8

    1. ...The 72-year-old Trump patriarch, who was on his way to a rally in Illinois, held an umbrella to shield himself from the inclement weather at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland. As he ascended the stairs to enter the aircraft, he surprised the onlookers and shutterbugs by struggling with, and then surrendering to, his umbrella.

    Before entering the aircraft, Trump takes a brief pause perhaps realising the humongous canopy wouldn't fit through the door in its unfurled form. So he casually dumps it outside after barely a second's worth of effort to close it. The video clip going viral online shows the umbrella rolling outside the aircraft door, upturned and abandoned.

    Those who watched the video wondered if POTUS even knew how to collapse the umbrella, while others mocked Trump for struggling with daily simple tasks.

    Of course, memes washed across social media, so perhaps Trump would want to shield himself with the umbrella, again. "Trump treats his umbrella like the rest of his job. If it requires more than 2 seconds’ thought, drop it," wrote one user. Ouch.

    Source: https://www.news18.com/news/buzz/tr...d-with-memes-and-more-on-twitter-1923961.html

    https://news.yahoo.com/viral-clip-donald-trump-umbrella-173621862.html

    2. Instead of leaving the umbrella at the door, the Wise Guy could have closed the umbrella and handed it to an attendant in the plane.

    Poor umbrella! It was left out in the cold long after the user had gone into the plane.

    Here I coin the term "Trumpian umbrella" for a person or an object that is considered disposable and dumped when no longer needed. The following two sentences show the use of the new term:

    (a) After helping to grow the business from a small shop to a multinational corporation, the co-founder was dumped like a Trumpian umbrella out of the company.

    (b) The tearful wife was left alone at home like a Trumpian umbrella while her unfaithful husband went on a long holiday trip with his newfound lover.

    3. Many political appointees of Donald Trump, the 45th and current President of the United States, have resigned or been dismissed. The record-setting turnover rate in the Trump Administration has been noted in various publications....

    As of May 25, 2020, there have been 415 unique names dismissed and/or resigned...

    Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Trump_administration_dismissals_and_resignations

    https://edition.cnn.com/interactive/2017/08/politics/trump-admin-departures-trnd/

    4. The following is my political satire of the record-setting turnover rate in the Trump Administration:

    A police officer was sent to a noisy party scene to give the homeowner a “first warning" after receiving a complaint from a grumpy neighbour. When he arrived at the scene, he found more than a dozen masked men being carried away to be dumped unceremoniously outside the house. The masks looked familiar to him as they were replicas of faces he had seen in various media outlets.

    One of the participants of the party explained in response to his query: "Someone suggested ending the party with a new variant of musical chairs called 'You’re fired' with the following new rules.

    (a) The players have to wear certain masks throughout the game.

    (b) The eliminated players have to be carried out of the house.

    (c) The host has to wear a very special mask. Since "there is only one star in the house", the elimination of the host means the ending of the game. If the host is the lone survivor, he is allowed to get new players to continue the game. If he fails to do, the game is considered over."

    The police officer asked: "Is it game over?"

    "Not yet. The star is still in the house!" replied the man, pointing to his Trump mask.

    5. I end this post with the touching story of the tragic fate of Boxer, a hardworking but naive and ignorant horse in George Orwell's Animal Farm. After losing its usefulness, Boxer became the Trumpian umbrella of the pigs.

    (Begin excerpts)
    One day, Boxer’s strength fails; he collapses while pulling stone for the windmill. The other animals rush to tell Squealer, while Benjamin and Clover stay near their friend. The pigs announce that they will arrange to bring Boxer to a human hospital to recuperate, but when the cart arrives, Benjamin reads the writing on the cart’s sideboards and announces that Boxer is being sent to a glue maker to be slaughtered. The animals panic and begin crying out to Boxer that he must escape. They hear him kicking feebly inside the cart, but he is unable to get out.

    Soon Squealer announces that the doctors could not cure Boxer: he has died at the hospital. He claims to have been at the great horse’s side as he died and calls it the most moving sight he has ever seen—he says that Boxer died praising the glories of Animal Farm. Squealer denounces the false rumors that Boxer was taken to a glue factory, saying that the hospital had simply bought the cart from a glue maker and had failed to paint over the lettering. The animals heave a sigh of relief at this news, and when Napoleon gives a great speech in praise of Boxer, they feel completely soothed.

    Not long after the speech, the farmhouse receives a delivery from the grocer, and sounds of revelry erupt from within. The animals murmur among themselves that the pigs have found the money to buy another crate of whisky—though no one knows where they found the money. (End excerpts)

    Source: https://www.sparknotes.com/lit/animalfarm/section9/
     
  12. reedak

    reedak Well-Known Member

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    Joke 9

    1. John Bolton, President Donald Trump's former national security adviser, alleges that Trump can't separate pursuing his personal political interests from acting in the national interest, including asking China to help him get reelected, according to his new book obtained by ABC News.

    "He couldn't tell the difference between his personal interests and the country's interests," writes Bolton, Trump's third national security adviser who served in the White House from April 2018 to September 2019....

    Source: https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/bolton-book-alleges-trump-asked-china-reelected/story?id=71304371

    2. President Donald Trump's former national security adviser John Bolton told ABC News that he thinks Russian President Vladimir Putin thinks he can play Trump "like a fiddle."

    "I think Putin thinks he can play him like a fiddle. I think Putin is-- smart, tough. He plays a bad hand extremely well. And I think -- I -- I think he sees that -- he's not faced with a serious adversary here," Bolton said in the exclusive interview....

    Source: https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/put...e-national-security-adviser/story?id=71307801

    3. ...Four years ago, Ed Quigley was celebrating the Fourth of July with his family on Bethany Beach in the US state of Delaware when a beach umbrella flew out of the sand and penetrated his left eye, piercing his brain.

    The injury not only damaged his eyesight but the part of his brain that connects to his sense of smell and taste, forever altering his enjoyment of food and wine, one of his lifelong passions....

    Data from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) indicates that more than 31,000 people were treated in hospitals for umbrella-related injuries between 2008 and 2017....

    Source: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-48360832

    https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44865949

    https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44923604

    https://boston.cbslocal.com/2019/08/09/boy-injured-flying-umbrella-gloucester-good-harbor-beach/

    https://www.boston25news.com/news/b...ter-accidents-have-caused-injuries/959018667/

    4. John Bolton’s damning revelations are not a bolt-on prologue to the presidential re-election campaign of his former boss, who could not bolt in time for the plane door as the Trumpian umbrella's knockout punch comes like a bolt from the blue.

    An umbrella, in particular a Trumpian umbrella, can be a deadly enemy even though it is a friend in need during a heavy rainstorm. :)
     
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