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We need more posts on political humor!

Discussion in 'Political Humor' started by zerorelations, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. zerorelations

    zerorelations New Member

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    We need more posts on political humor!

    :mad:


    Where can we get some material for political humor section?
     
  2. n0spam4me

    n0spam4me Member

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    Problem here is that AMERICA is in such deep do-do
    that its NOT a laffing matter!

    IMPEACH THE SHRUB!
     
  3. Grounded

    Grounded New Member

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    Someone post something funny!
     
  4. ChairmanMeow

    ChairmanMeow New Member

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    Yeah! I want FUNNY!!!
     
  5. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together
    and discussing Surgeries they had performed.

    The first said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
    A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident.
    I reattached them and 8 months later he performed
    a private concert for the Queen of England."

    The second said, "That's nothing. A young man lost
    both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached
    them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
    the Olympic decathlon."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
    Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine
    and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling
    80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
    horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
    the United States."
     
  6. palerider

    palerider Well-Known Member

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    When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

    James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

    The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

    As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, allah appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "You promised me 72 virgins."

    Allah replied, "72 Virginians you imbecile."



    A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

    A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

    AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

    AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

    A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

    A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

    AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

    AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
     
  7. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C.,
    came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
    this traffic seems worse than usual."

    He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of
    stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and
    asked,"Officer, what's the hold-up?"

    The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he
    stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself
    with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no
    one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq,or
    the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't
    help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a
    collection for him."

    The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
    The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks
    are still siphoning."
     
  8. 9sublime

    9sublime Active Member

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    Bristol
    A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

    "But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"

    The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
     
  9. vyo476

    vyo476 Active Member

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    Robin Williams told this joke in one of his stand-up routines from a few years ago. Might that be where you found it? If so...hell yes...that's one of the funniest stand-up acts I've ever seen.
     
  10. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    That's a good one! It's very similar to one from this side of the pond...

    A man was in the hospital critically ill with heart problems.

    His doctor had admitted him in the hospital and told him that his only chance at survival was to have a heart transplant.

    The very next day the doctor burst into his room a said... Great news, we've found 2 donor hearts that are a match for you. You can decide which one you want us to use... it's up to you.

    The first is from a 24 year old athlete that was killed in a car accident. The other a 57 year old Republican Congressman that died from cirrhosis of the liver.

    The man thought about it over night and the next day he told the doctor... Doc I've decided I want to go with the Republican guys heart.

    The doctor was a little taken aback and said... Well it's totally up to you but can I ask why you would take the heart of the older Republican gentleman over the much younger athlete.

    The guy smiled and said, sure...

    I want the one that hasn't been used much.
     
  11. palerider

    palerider Well-Known Member

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    Algore was in his mad green scientist's laboratory building the prototype for the next generation of tree hugger.

    He was finished except for the brain and he sent his toady assisant to the parts place to get one. Upon arriving, the toady was shown three brains.

    We have a physicist's brain for 5,000 dollars the salesman said.

    We have a republican politician's brain for 5,000 dollars, and we have a liberal's brain for 12 dollars.

    Why is the liberal's brain so inexpensive the toady asks?

    Never been used replies the salesman.
     
  12. 9sublime

    9sublime Active Member

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    So easily reversible.
     
  13. top gun

    top gun New Member

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    *DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*


    Rule One:

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
    package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
    long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
    your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:

    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
    wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
    their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
    your friends are complete idiots.

    Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
    propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
    underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
    object.
    However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
    during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my
    electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
    waist.

    Rule Four:

    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
    utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me
    elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
    you.

    Rule Five:

    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
    other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
    day.
    Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
    indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
    house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'

    Rule Six:

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
    date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
    daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
    will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
    If you make her cry, I make you cry.

    Rule Seven:

    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
    and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
    be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
    putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
    the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
    do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
    stool. Places where there is darkness.
    Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
    where the ambient temperature is warm enough to tempt my daughter to
    wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
    overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her
    throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
    avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
    okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
    middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
    daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I
    ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
    tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
    shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
    me.

    Rule Ten: And my favorite
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
    sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
    paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
    my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
    bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you
    should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
    perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
    daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no
    need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
    mine.
     
  14. vyo476

    vyo476 Active Member

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    Hahaha...I've been fed this before.
     
  15. USMC the Almighty

    USMC the Almighty New Member

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    Rule six rings a little too close to home.
     
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