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Can't Make This Stuff Up

Discussion in 'House of Politics Lounge' started by Lilly Marlene, Apr 22, 2007.

  1. Lilly Marlene

    Lilly Marlene Well-Known Member

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    I know many of you have probably seen these; they were sent to me in May of last year. But for anyone who has not, they are too good to miss...

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
    are things people actually said in court - word for word - taken down
    and now published by court reporters .

    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    >>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    >>>WITNESS: July 18th.
    >>>ATTORNEY: What year?
    >>>WITNESS: Every year.
    >>>_____________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    >>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
    all?
    >>>WITNESS: Yes.
    >>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    >>>WITNESS: I forget.
    >>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
    >>>forgot? _____________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    >>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    >>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    >>>WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    >>>morning?
    >>>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    >>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    >>>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    >>>voodoo?
    >>>WITNESS: We both do.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    >>>WITNESS: We do.
    >>>ATTORNEY: You do?
    >>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    >>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    >>>___________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    >>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
    >>>________________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    >>>
    >>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    >>>WITNESS: Yes.
    >>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    >>>WITNESS: Uh....
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    >>>WITNESS: Yes.
    >>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    >>>WITNESS: None.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    >>>WITNESS: By death.
    >>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    >>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    >>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    >>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
    >>>dead people?
    >>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
    >>>go to?
    >>>WITNESS: Oral.
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    >>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    >>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    >>>WITNESS: No,! he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    >>>an autopsy on him! ______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    >>>WITNESS: Huh?
    >>>______________________________________
    >>>
    >>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
    >>>for a pulse?
    >>>WITNESS: No.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >>>
    >>>
    >>>WITNESS: No.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    >>>WITNESS: No.
    >>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
    you
    >>>began
    >>>the autopsy?
    >>>WITNESS: No.
    >>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    >>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    >>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.
     
  2. USMC the Almighty

    USMC the Almighty Well-Known Member

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    I like these two.
     
  3. Lilly Marlene

    Lilly Marlene Well-Known Member

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    Aren't they funny ?
    Or this:
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    >>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    >>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
     
  4. zerorelations

    zerorelations Well-Known Member

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    >>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    >>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    Wow....

    It's just too funny!

    lol
     
  5. Lilly Marlene

    Lilly Marlene Well-Known Member

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    I know !!
    Even though it's over a year old I just want to make sure everybody gets to see it because it's one of the few internet joke emails that actually DOES make us 'laugh out loud'
    :)
     
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