You crack me up Justinian. This would probably be right up your street:
The True History of Pokemon
This article is intended to show the Good Christians of the world that the Pokemon phenomenon is nothing more than a message from the Devil, an oracle of Satanic influences designed to destroy the Youth of America.
The Word "Pokemon"
First, let us examine the word Pokemon itself. Common wisdom says Pokemon is an abbreviation for Pocket Monsters, but this is not true. Pokemon is in actuality a corruption of two Latin words, Pokos and Mono. Mono, is of course the origin of an identical English prefix indicating “one” or “single.” Pokos is a significantly more complex term. There is a joke circulating the Internet claiming that Pokemon actually means, "Buy all this Junk." while I have been unable to trace the source of this rumor, it has a foundation in truth that I doubt the original humorist intended.
Pokos itself is one of the older, and more obscure words in Latin. As far as can be determined, it originated in Northern Italy as the name for a local deity, also known as Pikat-shoo. The Italians who worshiped this god were polytheistic, and Pokos was their god of thunder and lightning. Most of this sect's gods were bestial in origin.
Little is known about this religion's place during the early days of the Roman Empire, but there is incidental evidence that most of the Emperors from Nero on worshiped Pokos. It wasn't until Constantine became a Christian that the Roman Empire began drifting from Pokos and his associated mythology.
As is the case with many Polytheistic religions, the gods were in constant battle, each one leveraging their unique abilities to defeat the weaker gods. The accounts of these battles consist of the gods forming complex alliances, attempting to line up the strengths of one side with the weaknesses of the other. There was no definitive "Good" or "Bad" gods engaged in the actual battles. It was believed that the high priests of this religion were the ones who convinced the gods to battle, orchestrating the alliances and swaying the favor of these deities with gifts and bribery. Pokos was considered one of the most powerful gods, because few could withstand a lightning based assault. The oldest authentic scroll containing information about this religion dates from the third century AD, and states that Pokos formed a permanent alliance with the Roman emperors, declaring them their favored "priests."
During the eighth century AD the mysterious underground religion that had influenced Roman Emperors since the dawn of the empire began to be called the "Cult of Pokos," as a reference to the close ties between Pokos and the Emperor.
The Pokos cult continued as a sub layer to the Roman empire until Constantine became the first Christian Emperor. It is commonly known that Conatantine received a vision of the cross, and ordered a white cross painted on the shields of his soldiers before he marched into a key battle. The 14th century Scroll of Pokos makes the claim that the opposing army had an image of Pokos himself on their battle flags, hoping to win the god's favor. While the legend certain supports a pagan connection with Pokemon, I must admit that there is only one source that makes this claim, and therefore must be taken as unsubstantiated.
There are scattered references to the Cult of Pokos. While I am working on a definitive history of the religion, for the purposes of this discussion I will just list the most significant events. Mind you, what I'm about to do is tantamount to summarizing all of American History in half a dozen bullet points, but this is an essay regarding Pokemon, not a full account of the history of Pokos.
1345 - Over 1,000 members of the Cult of Pokos are massacred by Christian Soldiers. This is the first known incident of discrimination against the cult since 23BC.
1357 - A massive migration of Pokos worshipers begins. Over the next 200 years most of the religion's practitioners move East. They believe they are following a millennia old pilgrim trail into what is now Modern Day India, where many remain to this day.
1699 - The Cult of Pokos enters Fudual Japan as an underground religion. An effort is made to bring the religion to the Emperor, but the "missionaries" are executed.
1734 - The 35 year old law banning the worship of Pokos is lifted. Rumors abound as to the reasoning behind this unexpected move, but there is no definitive answer.
1735 to 1900 - The Cult of Pokos experiences halting spurts of growth. By the mid 1800s, most of the Japan's intellectual and social upper tiers practice a hybrid form of Pokos/Emperor worship, where the Emperor is seen as a final arbitrator of all battles, and is even granted the ability to alter the lesser god's powers. This hybrid religion is believed to have died out after World War Two, while the Cult of Pokos continues to this day.
Please forgive me for completely ignoring the Western and Northern migrations that took place during the Medieval Era, but I think you can see the means by which the Pokos religion worked its way into a consumer product being sold by Japanese game makers.
The question I'm struggling to answer is this: Was Pokemon created as a tribute to Pokos, a means of bringing new worshipers into the fold? It's entirely possible Pokos was nothing more than a quaint old religion someone's grandmother was practicing when her grandson needed a product idea. On the other hand, the game could have been created by an actual member of the Cult of Pokos. I find the latter to be the more likely possibility, simply because of the startling and unsettling similarities between the way the Pokemon game is played, and the way Pokos was worshiped. If there is sufficient interest, I will write more on that connection.
Pokemon and Gambling:
The Pokemon-Gambling connection is a well known and heavily documented one. Pokemon is a "Magic" style card game. At it's simplest, each card is endowed with certain powers and weaknesses. Each player "attacks" the other by playing the card, and that player's card is either defeated or counters. Points are tallied, battles are played out and a victor emerges. The victor usually gets to keep some portion of the loser's cards. I do not intend to spend much time discussing this aspect of the Pokemon addiction. Instead I will refer you to the links below for a further look.
LAWSUIT SLAMS POKEMON AS BAD BET FOR ADDICTED KIDS - New York Post
Pokemon Cards are a Big Rip-Off! This page is one child's effort to spread the word about Pokemon. The page includes a series of quotes from Pokemon-Addicted gamblers. Some of the comments are very heart wrenching.
Pokemon, Burger King and Gluttony:
While I am not Catholic, I must admit there Seven Deadly sins are an excellent way to highlight the different kinds of temptation people face every day. Satan uses many things to control us, gambling and gluttony are two of them. The Pokemon Web site lists the details of an alliance between Burger King and Pokemon's supporters to turn the fast food restaurant into a gambling den, where Pokemon cards can be traded, bartered, won and lost like money in a Casino. It is a transparent effort to lure parents into thinking that there is nothing wrong with Pokemon gambling. They even encourage parents to take their children into a den of thieves so they can essentially be trained to drink their lives away while playing cards and other games of chance.
In the years to come, these Burger King Pokemon Sharks will replace the Topps cards with a deck of gambling cards. They will discard the Pepsi for Martinis and replace the Burger King grill smoke with the cigarette smoke from the thousand wasted lives that will surround them. Thank you Burger King. I am so grateful for this Card Shark Gaming room that I will be taking all my business to McDonnald's. I encourage all parents and civic minded citizens to similarly ban Burger King for their efforts in destroying the moral fiber of America's Youth.
