George W. Bush's final address to America before leaving office....
“My fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed, actually taking place almost six years ago. Since that time we have destroyed their economy and infrastructure, displaced 2.3 million Iraqis, caused 1.2 million Iraqi civilian deaths, created a 40% unemployment rate, and allowed a civil war to become unleashed.”
“It’s become a fact I can no longer deny that this was a needless war of choice I was led into by Vice President Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and others. By now we’re all aware that 100% of my claims, used as sole justification for starting this war, turned out to be 100% false. It’s also accurate to observe that all of our own intelligence agencies have agreed that this needless war has made America less safe, served as a recruiting tool for al-Qaeda causing their ranks to swell, and making America vilified around the world.”
“I realize I failed to bring peace to the region, as I promised would happen. Actually, this needless war has de-stabilized the Mideast and allowed dangerous nations such as Iran and Syria to grow in stature and power. I also admit I gave Osama bin Laden a free pass by diverting our troops to my war. I can’t fix this mess I caused, so someone else will have to clean up after me. I’m ok with that, you should be too.”
“It’s no longer worth the effort to deny that I sent our troops into war without adequate body armor, and armor for their vehicles. In my defense, I couldn’t ask my fellow Republicans in Congress and the Senate to continue approving tax cuts for millionaires and funding life-saving armor at the same time. I made the decision to put important things first. After all, I’m “the decider.”
“Some day I hope to feel some degree of shame over the 4,100+ American deaths I caused and the over 30,000 wounded, crippled and maimed troops I used for my own purposes. Not today, but maybe sometime in the future. It’s kind of embarrassing to be aware that you know I’ve squandered our treasury on this needless war and your grandchildren won’t be able to have it paid for.”
“Since the American voters decided in 2008 to elect a new president that will reflect the will of the vast overwhelming majority of Americans and end this war, it won’t be necessary to borrow any more billions from Communist Red China to keep this fun war going. So I’m going to once again declare “Mission Accomplished”. This time, as you can tell, I’m not using the troops as props, nor do I have on my G.I. Joe costume.”
“It’s is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of former campaign contributors I have awarded billions of your tax dollars to with no-bid contracts. This list is long. Halliburton, KBR, and Blackwater are some of the names listed there. The other list contains many of those former campaign contributors I rewarded billions of your tax dollars to that have intentionally, and repeatedly defrauded our nation with cooked books and fraudulent billing practices. Halliburton, KBR, and Blackwater are some of the names listed there.”
“Let me start by saying that effective immediately, those campaign contributors on both lists still need our help to replace the lost revenue I created for them. We will no longer issue no-bid contracts to them, but I’m asking Congress to reward them with special tax breaks in perpetuity, equal to the amount of lost revenue ending my needless war will create. I recognize this will be a challenge to secure the necessary votes, but do me this favor.”
“To our former allies, that I held in such disdain, frequently ridiculing publicly, the next president may chose to repair some of the damage I caused. I’ll admit, virtually the entire planet now hates us, and I suppose it’s fair to observe that the overwhelming majority of the world’s leaders were right about this being a needless war, but try to get over it. I don’t lose any sleep over that, plus I’ll be gone soon enough.”
“I had hoped that my legacy would be that of a great Commander In Chief. I frequently boasted that ‘See, I’m a war president’.” Apparently that’s not going to happen. So I’ll accept the legacy of holding the unique position as the worst president in America’s history. That alone should keep me prominent in history books.”
“As I prepare to leave the White House, I’d like to thank my daddy’s pals at the Supreme Court for giving me this opportunity. I’d like to thank my long time friends and campaign contributor, Diebold, for coming to my aid in Ohio in 2004. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“The next president needs to appreciate the opportunity I’ve created for him. I’ve failed in foreign affairs. I allowed our infrastructure to crumble from lack of funding. I wreaked havoc on our educational system. I created more unemployment, and lowered the standard of living for our middle class. I managed to lose two wars simultaneously. I inherited a budget surplus and managed to turn it into the largest debt any nation in recorded history has ever witnessed. I tried to abolish our Bill of Rights and habeas corpus, which worked for a while. I helped ship millions of good paying jobs overseas.”
“I ignored all health care issues for Americans. I politicized all branches of our government with incompetent campaign supporters. Just look at the nice energy policy we created. Don’t you share the same pride as me in seeing my oil company pals rake in all those record profits? It works for Dick and me. I refused to enforce our immigration laws and allowed millions of aliens to flood across our borders.”
“I helped shove through de-regulations that made the safety of our pharmaceuticals, food supply, pet food, toothpaste, even children’s toys questionable. With cooperation of my Republican buddies in Congress and the Senate we initiated de-regulations of decade’s old banking laws that created our housing crisis, which helped bring on our current economic crisis, unrivaled except for the Great Depression brought on by another Republican president. I brought torture to our government, even authorizing acts other war criminals have been convicted of. I authorized the treasonous act of divulging the identity of a covert C.I.A. operative because her husband told the public about my yellow cake from Niger lie.”
“On one episode of the old television show ‘Dallas’, that great Texan J.R. Ewing said, ‘Once you get past ethics, the rest is easy’. I’ve always been fond of that quote.”
“On and on. Now I have a few comments for President-elect Barack Obama. You have a lot to thank me for. As you replace me you’ll have to address the messes I’ve made, and just succeeding with only a few, I’ve given you so much to work with, is gonna make you look really, really good.”
“To the American people, you’ll miss me. Trust me on this. I’ve brought smiles to millions as I’ve tried to actually speak without coming across as a total idiot. Just because I said things like, ‘Is our childrens learning?’, and ‘All human beings begin life as a feces.’, doesn’t mean you know I knew what you meant to think when I thought you understood I knew the nuances you intended to project.”
“As I prepare to leave the White House I want to take this final opportunity in my final address to the nation to express a thought that’s guided me through my two terms. My final message to the American citizens is a quote I’d like to borrow from that great American, Dick Cheney, ‘Go f**k yourself!’”
“I’m outta here.”
