Spare the rod and spoil the child

[dong]

Okay, call that "spare the rod and spoil the child...and a growing population gap?"

This one's especially for the mothers on this forum

How best should one go about disciplining their own child? We all know that lately there has been a significant shift away from using any kind of physical reprimand due to the awareness of child abuse. This raises the other question- I contend that the issue of physical discipline and physical abuse of a child are actually quite separate issues by large.

Despite stating that I do not wish to bring up a child, I find myself preoccupied with the topic- enough to buy and study a research anthology on Australian juvenile sociology (completely voluntarily and with my own money, to boot). Not only that, but I myself do have views about how parenting might be better carried out having experienced a marked decline in general in the maturity, respect and ability of most children in the developed world, which has serious implications for the population as a whole.

Okay, I'm broadening the question then. How best can one go about raising their own child? I refer also to broader cultural and social forces that inevitably come into play.

 

[LyricB]

I don't hit my kids. I think it's ineffective as a discipline tactic and I also don't want to open that window, metaphorically. I know that if I allow myself to swat them on the behind once then maybe next time it will be a little harder, and then next time maybe it's something else.

Having said that, I think there are some parents who can do it effectively and without damaging their children. It just isn't something I'm willing to explore.

PS - For those of you who are wondering, my kids are pretty darn well behaved, but that took A LOT of effort.

 

[kelkat]

I have found that physical discipline doesn't work that well in my home either. My middle child laughes when he gets nervous, and so when you spank him he laughs - that will make a normally rational person insane.

Instead, I have learned to find unique ways of punishing them - writing sentences, timeouts, going to bed early, missing outings, having to sit with mother (especially painful if there are guests over). The key to it all has been consistancey. If I say something, I follow through immediately and the way I said I would. They are learning that there are no second chances so you better do it the first time. (for the record, they actually do get a second chance - I tell them once and then if they don't give me their attention I will repeat myself.)

 

[palefrost]

Discipline with love. I find if you love the crap out of the child and show it, when the little ones are bad and you show disapproval they get very upset and want to be in good graces again.

It worked for me growing up. I was never hit and when i messed up and disappointed the parents i would be very upset until i made it right. Till this day if my father is upset with me it ruins my day.

 

[harleysneak]

I never wanted to use physical discipline, but I must admit I have tapped my daughter's hand a few times when she just wouldn't listen to me telling her not to touch something dangerous. Not that she even noticed anything because I didn't do it hard enough, I'm the one that felt guilty for even doing it. I really don't believe in physical punishment as I don't think it addresses the issue. I am very hard trying not to resort to this and haven't for quite a while actually.

 

[capitalist_junkie]

I have found that physical discipline doesn't work that well in my home either. My middle child laughes when he gets nervous, and so when you spank him he laughs - that will make a normally rational person insane.

Instead, I have learned to find unique ways of punishing them - writing sentences, timeouts, going to bed early, missing outings, having to sit with mother (especially painful if there are guests over). The key to it all has been consistancey. If I say something, I follow through immediately and the way I said I would. They are learning that there are no second chances so you better do it the first time. (for the record, they actually do get a second chance - I tell them once and then if they don't give me their attention I will repeat myself.)

Writing sentences! I'm glad my parents never made me do that. I had a friend who did, and she despises writing to this day.

My mother used to spank me, but quit when I was about 5 and better able to listen to logic. I'm not sure what I would do. Probably spanking at the beginning, but quitting fairly early in the game.

 

[dong]

I'm digging this conversation thus far- I'll explain a bit why I asked the question.

It seems to me that at the start of our life we kinda lack the executive capacity, and so what informs our decisions and our actions is certainly not similar to the kind of moral axiology that we are taught (or any such system, really...yes, I do not believe in "the inherent goodness of man"). How then does one condition a sense of "yes, do this," and "no, don't do that" in a child?

These days were are encouraged (justifiably so) to try to reason with the kids and encourage a kind of empowerment by gradually introducing the notion of contract and responsibility, but I often see this fail. But since I generally lack parental perspective (apart from what I can project on my own parents from my own experiences), I'm curious to see how other people perceive it. I wondered if I wasn't conflating the sense of refusing to physically discipline a child with a general decline in parental responsibility regarding children.

Obviously I'm not going to be pushing for any hard and fast rules as at the very least, I for one should appreciate the variety and therefore the differences that make parenthood a unique challenge. And of course one cannot expect all parents to be perfect- but it's often a discretionary matter when judging whether a parent is putting in "enough effort" or "doing the right thing" or instead "letting their child go to waste".

I am particularly concerned however about the fact that children (and this is no longer solely to do with parents) seem to be increasingly spoonfed as an entire segment of the commercial market starts to pander to them. This kind of movement is worrying in that it could very well contribute to essentially running society into the ground.

 

[Hussar]

My older one is two and a half, so, well, it's rather loud in the Hussar household.

Other than a couple of hand smacks when she starts hitting, there hasn't been any physical punishment in my house. Love the crap out of them is the best answer.

 

[Plumley]

This quote is from a review of a book by Bruno Bettelheim, A Good Enough Parent:

Bettelheim acknowledges that he took the title of his book from the English pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott. Winnicott wrote of the "good enough' mother, by which he meant that parents do not have to be perfect; they can make mistakes and still rear happy, healthy and productive children. But they do need to be "good enough'; they do need to provide certain basic commodities, such as a certain amount of love, caring, attention and understanding, for children to turn out all right.

Basically, I think it's a question of striving to be a good enough parent, always working on being the best parent you can be, not working toward an unrealistic holy grail of perfection. It sounds like people here are achieving that.

 

[tater03]

I personally find hitting a child at least mine ineffective. And yes I have smacked their hands when they were reaching for something that could hurt them. I think that their is a difference with a smack on the bottom and child abuse. But what I have a hard time with is if my two sons are fighting and one hits the other, I just cannot justify spanking them as a form of disipline and then telling them in the next breath that it's not nice to hit. I have found taking something away from them that they really enjoy seems to work. Or sending them to bed early, especially when you have two and the one who did wrong has to go to bed early and the other one gets to stay up. So I will tell you that spanking my children does not seem to work for our family.

 

[kelkat]

Writing sentences! I'm glad my parents never made me do that. I had a friend who did, and she despises writing to this day.

The sentences I make them right are things like "I will speak with respect to my mother." "I will treat my brother nicely." "I will speak with a soft, kind voice." After they are through, I make them tear them up and throw them away.

They love to write, though. My oldest is editing a story he wants to submit to some magazines. My middle son is just getting into it and likes to leave notes for everyone.

 

[Agaric]

There is a rather simple solution to discipline, and that is learning to use the word "NO." I know its hard, and it's a lot easier to allay a tantrum by giving into a child's wants, but you're the adult. You don't need to hit the kid, but you also don't need to spoil them rotten (neither method is effective in the long run). Strong yet supple is the way.

 

[palefrost]

Smacking or hitting when your mad is not really something we should teach the younger generation. It doesnt seem to be working for the older generation.

 

[kelkat]

There is a rather simple solution to discipline, and that is learning to use the word "NO." I know its hard, and it's a lot easier to allay a tantrum by giving into a child's wants, but you're the adult. You don't need to hit the kid, but you also don't need to spoil them rotten (neither method is effective in the long run). Strong yet supple is the way.

I agree - in theory - but there are days when "no" just doesn't work. Maybe they've been around someone that is a bad influence, maybe they got up on the wrong side of the bed (I have made mine go get back into pajamas and back in bed so that they could get up again and start over), or maybe they are having a bad day.

Then what do you do?

 

[technoflutemom]

"I don't hit my kids. I think it's ineffective as a discipline tactic and I also don't want to open that window, metaphorically. I know that if I allow myself to swat them on the behind once then maybe next time it will be a little harder, and then next time maybe it's something else. "

I completely agree. I was a spanker with my first son. After all, I was spanked and turned out fine!

Thing is, it wasn't effective. A little swat worked once. Next time it took two swats... There came a time when I was really frightened about what I would consider doing and I know it came from accepting increments of physical punishment.

We completely cut off the spankings. It is actually harder to find creative, appropriate discipline techniques that work, but parenting isn't suppose to be easy.

For me, giving the quick swat is just lazy parenting.