Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on beer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups… liberals and conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the liberal movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the liberals by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Some of these conservative men eventually evolved into women. The rest became know as “girlie men”. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, pooping land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals were symbolized by the jackass, an animal that always pulls its weight.
Modern conservatives like light beer, sometimes with lime added, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note… most conservative women have higher testosterone levels than their men. For proof, check any Sarah Palin speech footage, or Ann Coulter’s rants.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals tend to drink micro brew beer. They also eat red meat and still provide for their women and families, no corporate welfare. Conservatives are big-game hunters, medical doctors, dentists, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who believes in the free market and favors trade with our enemies.
Liberals who own companies hire other liberals who want to work for a living. Conservatives produce mostly corporate corruption, but don’t go to jail because they can afford liberal lawyers. Conservatives like to govern the producers and decided what to do with the production, often stowing huge profits in off-shore accounts.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why the worst of the conservatives remained in Europe when liberals were coming to America. Conservatives crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing, causing the Great Depression of 1929 and the recession of 2008.
Thus ends today’s lesson in world history.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the liberal movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the liberals by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Some of these conservative men eventually evolved into women. The rest became know as “girlie men”. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, pooping land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals were symbolized by the jackass, an animal that always pulls its weight.
Modern conservatives like light beer, sometimes with lime added, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note… most conservative women have higher testosterone levels than their men. For proof, check any Sarah Palin speech footage, or Ann Coulter’s rants.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals tend to drink micro brew beer. They also eat red meat and still provide for their women and families, no corporate welfare. Conservatives are big-game hunters, medical doctors, dentists, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who believes in the free market and favors trade with our enemies.
Liberals who own companies hire other liberals who want to work for a living. Conservatives produce mostly corporate corruption, but don’t go to jail because they can afford liberal lawyers. Conservatives like to govern the producers and decided what to do with the production, often stowing huge profits in off-shore accounts.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why the worst of the conservatives remained in Europe when liberals were coming to America. Conservatives crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing, causing the Great Depression of 1929 and the recession of 2008.
Thus ends today’s lesson in world history.