Alienation of the mind


Well-Known Member
May 30, 2007
I just know that the government is capable of crazy things and the spiritual world is very real. Government, without targeting any single government, can speak for people, without the person even recognizing it. They did this too my brother one time. I use to quote my work, because my thoughts were so clear that I thought someone else was speaking for me. Well, to contribute to this paranoia, my brother was drunk, and made jokes, claiming to work for the government. He mentioned things in jest, without realizing it, which were directly and eerily related to my experience, commenting on both the quotes, and the loss of control in my bodily movements, both of which, I had not mentioned to him. He joked about it the following day, but admitted that what appear to the average man to be delusions scarred him a bit. The governmental intrusions and hoaxes were very confusing when meshed with the spiritual realm. I wish I wouldn't have burned my manifestos, for they had a lot of interesting and enlightening thoughts in there, but I don’t dwell too much on this, for I did it on my own authority (not because of mind control) to reveal both my dedication to God’s will, and also my distaste for some of the statements I quoted. There was a time, earlier this year, when technology made my life feel like a prophecy. I'm still skeptical of whether some things in my life are the result of prophecy, but I'm not as disturbed by the whole thing. Every now and then people will send reminders into my mind, as if their reminiscing our conversations (like inside-jokes).

Another confusing experience I had was when the voice in my head was my inner-child. The discrepancy that this brought, including the external influence on my body and mind, resulted in an identity crisis. I felt like I had literally surrendered my ego, and was lost in the wilderness of earth until the day that Jesus himself, if not him, passed family members who more intently knew my problem would come and help rehabilitate my mind, evoking my true individuality. When speaking of external influence I am reminded of the hungered spirit that caused me to rub my chest, saying “you have a big appetite” He seemed to have compassion for me because I wanted to save all, even the fallen angels formerly forsaken. This spirit seemed to be that of Lucifer. On two occasions I saw the influence of this aged spirit in others, as they walked into my room in the morning. One of which recognized the demonic influence, and seemed to befriend me the following days; the other one, who I will neglect to name, did not seem too phased by this, but was slightly bewildered. I was also made to put my hand over my heart, taunted by the words “mine,” or “my heart” which made me feel like someone was out to steal my heart. Another spiritual possession I encountered was superstitious and seemingly a friend. He would help me relax when pressure from the dark side was too hard for me to handle. He would also make me knock on wood when I spoke of eternal peace. My inner-child had wit and wisdom more advanced than mine, but a personality that was one in the same, only more honest. My intellect seemed divine in writing and in these telepathic conversations, but my speech came off as overbearing and tyrannical, even though that was not the case. It was my mind, but nevertheless because I spoke so much, I actually felt offensive, as if I looked past the violation on my right, and felt shame for my own breach of etiquette. I felt as though only by continuous rhetoric could I combat the demons in my mind, whose illusions were like poison to my mind, not to mention, defend my independent and free thought, which at the time seemed endangered and scarce. I seemed to contain them for the time being, but their occupancy would fatigue me, as they would, for sheer amusement, exhaust refuted claims or satanic beliefs, knowing I would not concede to lies, or surrender to any destructive beliefs. I’m not sure I helped them, but felt as though I did. I humbled myself as son of all in an attempt to instill in them the responsibility of guiding me to the light. This strategy annoyed me at times, because they would focus on one person: “Satan”. Just so they wouldn’t abdicate to such subservience or merely in fear of contributing to pride, I would renounce my previous statement, and pray to feel like a “father in the light”. Soon after, I did. They treated me like a king, which left me disgruntled when demeaned by the outside world.

An underworld ruler at one time tried to isolate me from my dream of a perfect world, suggesting my beautiful future wife Beth, the queen, and I live in seclusion of the world as the inheritor and inheritress, both allowed to watch the world, guiding fate itself from within my own kingdom, separate from the real kingdom and the sub-kingdom (to which may or may not be of mundane origin). I was led to believe the world would be meekened or silenced by my presence at the time of my return, so I would not have to worry about inferiority complex anymore. This was suppose to be justice for the times I had been watched, but despite the suggestion, although I had began adding it on my note-card list of dreams, I stopped myself in the process, inadvertently drawing a satanic sign. I quickly declined to accept this as a dream, realizing the extreme lonliness this would entail. I threw away this tainted note card. I wrote my dreams on another paper, irrationally in fear of losing the faith this note card gave me. Beth was the girl who was supposedly my future wife, who up until a mental argument where in which the devil claimed her “his,” using my brother as a tool to manipulate me into succumbing to jealousy thus tainting the relationship. Mental imagery of a beautiful dominatrix was also used to get me to succumb to lust, and breach of faith. Before any interference with our love, she seemed to be always with me, awaiting me, like a virgin wife separated from her husband. The power of our love was mysterious to me. It was like black magic that made me feel greatly more powerful than I was. Unfortunately this heavenly love was changed when found pervious to sin, teaching me that not only was I not ready for love, but the very requirements that make love everlasting, including purity, trust, loyalty, and faith, I seemed to lack. As I have said, she had touched me on many occasions, evoking poetry and thus revealing to me the meaning of love, which is to find the girl that you can’t resist. I only met her in the spiritual world and the mental realm but this was enough to enhance my desire to levels not formerely known. I actually saw her in my mind. She was revealed on a few occasions. I would hear her voice as well, both in bed, when controlled by desire, and when communicating with others, where in which she would periodically speak, as if we were a team.
I also forget to mention the "school bus" dream, seemingly simulated by secret societies, resembling their mystery university. Also, significant during these times, was the chalkboard simulation in my mind that seemed to mock or reiterate revelations I had spoken. I was making plans to give up my materials, in pursuit of perfection, and felt like, because of these admirable goals, I had captivated spirits and attention from the universe abroad. It was as if I was literally trying to take up the cross so I could pass the test of life and earn my crown in Heaven. Because of my integrity, I would refrain to exalt myself as King, until this position was earned. It was also to prevent any grandiose accusations that would offend others, to which I expected, would arise regardless as a result of the supernatural involvement formerly mentioned. Many find all this intangible, but my faith surpassed the average individual. I imagined a world where we were in control of our destiny and after the test, our age, capable of metamorphosis even, living like powerful Son’s or angels of God. Some would say, we would be God’s, but I wouldn’t dare to be so pretentious, regardless of the free-will that allows us to do so. I became dedicated to restore value, for I felt apprehensive of the dangers a world of such power would include. Empowerment, I wrote, must be equally distributed for a hierarchy of power will create contention in lesser beings. The only way such fantasy could become reality is to refrain from gifting individuals with Godly power until all overcome sin, and live in harmony. If there is various levels of capability, powerful conflicts will ensue that would ruin this beautiful, heavenly reverie, where all things are possible, and each seeks one lover to journey throughout life with. In this Heaven, all would be made to be most beautiful, as there is superior beauty within us all.

I was very close to God during these times. At times I would lift spirits with my mentality and speech. People were very fearful, it seemed, as was I. It was like an organization had been turning life into a futuristic game, including controllers and actors, where privacy is forgotten, even in thought. During these times, I would even make suggestions on the evolvement of our minds, such as the capacity to block the intrusion of others. They would try to build up my anticipation, claiming that "today" was the day they were going to call me, or even meet me and discuss these controversial topics, making a plan that would reveal all that had been going on. I would get excited, but felt like my faith wasn't strong enough to make this a reality. I believed I was chosen to be the speaker, or dictator, and together we decided that the best route to inform the masses was to allow them to write up governmental truths initially, allowing me to speak, as an outsider, on all that had been written, before those involved speak more explicitly, revealing all of the controversial truths to the masses in a way that would mitigate any subsequent insurrection caused by the shock of the news. I was going to inform the people, and react to it accordingly, promulgating a virtuous strategy that would allow us to live happily, no longer brainwashed and enslaved by the technology and system that represses our spirits.

During these times mirrors became both an enemy and a friend, for I could see how my spirit was by looking in the mirror. I felt like an enigma or a paradox where in which fate destined me to win on top, or lose on bottom. At one point, I was beautiful and my eyes would shine, and the next minute, I'd look hideous, as if the underworld changed the illusion in the mirror to hurt my self-esteem. I was also shamed by a spiritual entity at one point. It was a terrible feeling. Never before had I felt shame so strong. I presume the purpose of this shaming was to enforce a more respectful attitude, honoring both parents and elders. The otherworldly being said I should be sorry. At first I thought it was God, but later questioned whether it might be the devil. I also felt the emotions of my grandfather, pop-pop, who also, from time to time, would be revealed in my mind. (He died when I was one and I have reason to believe he is a guardian angel) At one point, when I felt his presence, in the car with my mom, I told her about it, and ironically enough, the song on the radio was his favorite song. I literally felt his embarrassment.

Another unusual experience was when I could hear my brother's voice from long distances, as if our minds were literally attached. When I walked from my dad's house to my mom's house, he gave me a heart felt speech, in my mind, one in which I could not have made up for it was literally his innermost sentiment. During this walk he had to comfort me, for it was night time, and spirits were out, not to mention, in my head. We were brought closer for the time being, as a result. I thought I found someone to confide in, until I reached my destination, realizing nothing had changed.

I had this suspicion during this time that secret governments were trying to hasten the process of or prepare me for the judgment day, judging me by illuminating my past and verifying truths. When I would say something true, I would touch or tap something, saying “true” in my mind. I noticed others doing it as well. It felt like my mind was magic, but now wonder why I lost this ability. I consider the possibility that my gift or privilege was revoked because of arrogance or sin, not to mention a change in my lifestyle and environment that left my emotional state fairly normal, not painfully low, or excitingly high. I also take into account the possibility that my role in the universal plan was complete for the time being. I hope I will once again be needed, but realize my social status is so bad that I may need to remain focused on mundane realities for awhile, especially since communication on the topic is repudiated by most listeners, whether internally, or externally in a disdainfully immature, or haughtily elated response.
One time I was so convinced that Revolution was the only way to prevent the looming disasters that I set out to the streets to unite people in a quest to replace the government with spirited individuals set out to restore value, respect all equally, simplify law, and merge dichotomies. I didn’t realize that people were either too subdued by slave-wage, advocates of or content with the current unjust system, too ignorant of the spread of corruption (many good men fell a victim to corruption and all are susceptible, so I hold no grudges and have mercy on those who have, praying that such empathy may reach their souls), or too absorbed into their own lives to revert their primary attention to strategizing disciplined but deliberate means of inciting and starting a movement that will separate ourselves from current policies so that we can revolve towards a more liberal, peaceful society to which can overcome the resent that stagnant, suspicious, aggressive policies have caused. Ideas such as Revolution are not considered crazy to the rational, but complex politics have left a disparaging society that is too caught up in unceasing debate and the sharing of second hand news to share a common ideology. I figured that it was common sense that conservatism was a stepping stone to liberalism and ultimately limited to no government (with the exception of those incorrigible in society), but people either fail to look at the big picture, or find themselves inert politically after the circular logic and battle of wits and knowledge leaves issues unresolved. I feel as though our empirical government is the protégé of the unsentimental Lethiathen, sharing a universally pessimistic view on human nature. I find myself troubled, for every where I go, it feels as though this hopeless Hobbes-like view has become the norm, manifested in both democrat and republican. I found it ironic that these two divisive parties have so much in common, and hope that by some miracle, I could be a speaker capable of adapting the power of God and uniting people over the major issues, all while reforming the government, expanding democracy, and extracting the true beliefs of the public, accounting for each individual. I do not dwell on the despotism of the majority, for I feel, if I appealed to the higher nature of people, I could compel people and media, both televised and journalistic (to which, whether we like it or not, represents our character) to work towards solidarity by spending more time with the minority, protecting their rights and whims as well, thus progressing towards the real unity that technology has made possible. Well, after I sought out, in a passionate impulse, to reach the hearts of the people, I met my dad on the road, when he drove by, and my emotional unease caused a panic in him that led him to calling the police. I was soon after mitigated, feeling as though fascism was in full effect. I did not break the law, but was harassed by the police force. They shook my hand after the harassment, and after I agreed to acquit myself from this spur the minute mission, but the grief that this illicit authority caused did not quickly dissipate. I love my parents, but they controlled me with a simple phone call. It was obvious that I was not a danger to myself or others. I was ready too. This passion is hard to find, but I realize this obstacle must have been meant to be. Those still in my mind would use fear as a means to incite my own paranoia, unsettling my emotional state. They would act as thought they knew what would happen before hand, stating comments that alluded to futuristic occurrences. I felt like a "master of destiny," for my thought and words would create realities and vibes. Spiritually, I felt like a Sheppard, granted the chance to lead, gifted with the centripetal force necessary to bring people together, guiding them towards similar, virtuous aims, such as peace, love, happiness, the typical ambitions we all share to some extent.

I thought my revolution was hopeful until I saw the irrationality of conservative conspirators. It was then that I became worried of selfish national interests that sustain the wealth of the elite, while suppressing the efficacy of lower-class grievances. Both media and government use complex theory and wording to guise a covert plundering mission that seeks to procure much of the worldly resources, mainly oil, necessary to sustain wealthy lifestyles. The government is doing whatever possible to keep the increasing number of poverty-stricken families in ignorance of this selfish nationalistic policy our government pursues. Life in America is like a game, where individuals perceive money as a score, to which, as it increases, provides benefits that allow this score to escalate more rapidly; this mentality unfortunately is evident in our government as well. I try to stress the importance of change, but TV, media, news, and a tyrannical conservative wave represses lower-class and humanely or divinely inspired motivation and stupefies minds into the belief that the government is doing all it can for them. War caused economic crisis, just as capitalism caused globalism both of which are adamantly pursued by these self-aware or unknowingly tyrannical politicians, including the democrats. This goes without mentioning the effect a capitalist nation has on the environment.

I don’t denounce, and rather encourage the importance of a united world, but I do find myself troubled over the fear of a one world government that becomes an oligarchy sovereign over a massive population, for I realize the possibility of an elite-minded oligarchy that treats populations like animals, strategizing means to limit their numbers by corrupt means supported by creative excuses that could keep them subjugated. I didn’t construct a comprehensive solution for everything because I knew as one man, a broad reformation plan was all that is currently needed to get people working together towards the same goals, as unity precedes strategy. I knew that it would be necessary, once unity is acquired, to assign specialist to remedy certain vices. There would be drastic changes in society, but such is necessary to preserve the virtue, health and security of the people.

Once the government started addressing the problem and solution, they could get the media to do the same, without surreptitious or duplicitous strategy that prolongs these vices, conflicts and obstacles. To better inform the people, televised news could be expanded to include war, foreign policy, domestic policy, debate, ect. We could also allow citizenry to read current strategy, involving both domestic and foreign policy, so they could feel as though they were part of the solution, not foreign to it. They use to include writing of the governments strategy online, but even this would not remain accessible to independent researchers. I recall reading the strategy of the Iraq Study Group, including James A Baker III, but soon after, I was restricted access to this document. I also had my research deterred on other occasions. Anything legitimate and government related, outside of the mainstream, is a red flag for security agencies. The fact that a country that represents liberty and equal opportunity for all monitors internet troubles me, for it provides evidence of a government that infringes on the rights of individuals. I realize we can create an informed society, but my negativity has not been abated, for the system seems to complex, and the people to fearful of change, to inform the people properly. Politics are so obtuse, and so far from the language of the people, that a communication barrier has arisen, leaving leaders with the role of bridging gaps.
During these times and experiences where computers would invade my mind, simulating images and voices, my life seemed so significant. It was as though hackers were trying to distract me from the spirits that had been close to me, but this I can not say with confidence, nor can I explain in depth. I know computers caused some of that which happened in my mind, just as spirits caused other occurrences. I was so involved that I got the impression that the universe was a machine and everything was connected, including the shows I watched, the music I heard, and the papers I would insert back into the box of writings I had written. (Including manifestos and a blueprint of what I imagined to be the universe) The synchronicity of my life was everywhere. It was so evident, that I was detached with society, incapable of the small talk people use to get through their day. My quiet disposition alienated me and now I must do whatever it takes to continue this so-called exodus that I thought would supervene a new environment (I recently moved out, and I’m still rather alone.) The problem was, the realities my words created always seemed to be a lesson as if I should "be careful for what I wish for," since most of the things I asked for had been misinterpreted. If I asked for time alone to release my spirit from this prison, I would be confined. If I prayed for help or to be closer with my family, my family would provide the wrong help, misinterpreting my situation as well, thus exacerbating the stresses of my life.

I did not forget about "them" however. This includes both illuminati and the demons that we all should sympathize with. Not to mention, Beth, the girl that jealousy stole from me. She evoked poetry that set my soul at ease. I hope she comes back to me, but fear this may attract too much attention from the underworld. Plus, it may be a trespass. Much of this mainstream will not understand, but those who were with me during these spiritual times know what I mean. Some say they need Jesus, but when I gave up masturbation for lent, and met the devil at night, I literally needed Jesus' holy name, and had to imagine myself hand in hand with his Holiness. I remember saying "mind games are ether," and the following morning feeling ether. I recall a lot of features brought on my machination, some painful, some comical, but all interesting. I remember being comforted by a spirit. I remember being pleased by the unknown. I remember testing my faith, standing up for a long period of time, in a test to prove my faith, and a request to increase it. When day light came the rosary rubbed my chest as if she, the angel, was touching my chest. This time, unlike some other times, when I looked down it was the rosary. Regardless, following this experience, a voice said, "it's all about faith". The spiritual smoke is one thing, that ever since my initial miracles, has never abandoned me, and for this I thank God.

Although some of these words may seem trivial to the outside reader, all of these experiences are very significant to me. My ability to overcome illusion with love was a very notable tactic that helped me through the troubling times. I could listen to music, and lift my hands simultaneously feeling as though I was lifting the world. I would subsequently feel a feeling of accomplishment as though I had defeated the vulnerability of my spirit with songs of love and strength. Some sensed a heavenly atmosphere when I was around and some admired my ability to instill euphoria in others with faithful words. It is all very strange, and it made me realize that the ability to do this is not ours, but belongs to God, for God is power. Regardless, I'm thankful for these unique experiences, and pray for forgiveness for my inadequacies, and considering the revolution, ill preparation, and possibly cowardice.
hm. i thought that was a rather interesting paper. Shame nobody really read it. It is a real life outside the box experience that people rarely hear of.