Can't Make This Stuff Up

Lilly Marlene

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
243
I know many of you have probably seen these; they were sent to me in May of last year. But for anyone who has not, they are too good to miss...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things people actually said in court - word for word - taken down
and now published by court reporters .

>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>>>WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>ATTORNEY: What year?
>>>WITNESS: Every year.
>>>_____________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>>forgot? _____________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>>>WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>>>morning?
>>>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>>>voodoo?
>>>WITNESS: We both do.
>>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>>WITNESS: We do.
>>>ATTORNEY: You do?
>>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>___________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
>>>________________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>
>>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>WITNESS: Uh....
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>WITNESS: By death.
>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>>dead people?
>>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>>>go to?
>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>WITNESS: No,! he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>>an autopsy on him! ______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>WITNESS: Huh?
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>for a pulse?
>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>
>>>
>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you
>>>began
>>>the autopsy?
>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
 
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USMC the Almighty

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 4, 2007
Messages
2,070
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>>>go to?
>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>______________________________________
>>>
>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>WITNESS: No,! he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>>an autopsy on him! ______________________________________

I like these two.
 

Lilly Marlene

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
243
Aren't they funny ?
Or this:
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 

zerorelations

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2006
Messages
84
>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

Wow....

It's just too funny!

lol
 
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Lilly Marlene

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
243
I know !!
Even though it's over a year old I just want to make sure everybody gets to see it because it's one of the few internet joke emails that actually DOES make us 'laugh out loud'
:)
 
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